Meet the funeral celebrant: Candice Dillen
It is always painful saying goodbye to someone you care about. But a humanist funeral helps you to celebrate the person and focus on the life they lived. Candice
Dillen, a celebrant with particular experience of conducting funerals, tell us more.
Grief, joy, and healing: conducting humanist funerals
In 1999, I attended my first humanist funeral, for my nana. They were fairly unusual back then. I remember the comfort we felt at being able to celebrate her life, reflect upon who she truly was, share happy memories and read a poem that she had written herself. Six years later I wrote and delivered the tribute at my father’s funeral, an extremely difficult but incredibly rewarding experience.
I was working in health at that time. I had the privilege of undertaking some work with families who had experienced the sudden death of a loved one, most often a child. It was, of course, very challenging but I found that I wasn’t scared to talk about death and to sit with grief. It was actually wonderful to witness the power of memories and stories, bringing loved ones who are no longer with us, close again. Some years later I trained to become a celebrant with Humanist Society Scotland.
People sometimes comment that they don’t know how I can do funeral work. How to cope with such grief. My role is to support families and provide gentle guidance. Whilst death is incredibly sad, I remind myself that it is not my grief. As a funeral celebrant it is crucial to have compassion and empathy, to hold a family safely and support them in saying goodbye. To create space in which they can give their loved one the best send off possible.
Inevitably, I carry some of their stories with me for a while and feel the weight of the grief I encounter. Sometimes lives are not long, not happy, nor filled with love. And those stories must be told with a special kind of compassion. The concept of celebrating a life in the context of a very tragic death might seem impossible but it isn’t. Words, carefully chosen, can bring peace, comfort, acceptance and even forgiveness, to those left behind.
The Covid pandemic lockdowns brought unprecedented challenges. Bereaved families were often unable to be with their dying loved ones because of the restrictions in place. There were limited mourners at funerals, people from different households forced to sit apart, unable to comfort each other. No hugs, no handshakes, no funeral tea afterwards to share happy memories.
Over the years I have delivered funerals in crematoriums, cemeteries, natural burial grounds, community venues, football stadiums, even in someone’s living room. I delivered two webcast funerals, with no one in the chapel at all. A strange and sad experience, yet a unique privilege to help loved ones, however distant and remote, to celebrate the life of someone special. A reminder of the importance of ritual, as we say farewell to those we love.
Day to day I become immersed in the stories of others. Along the way have gathered a treasure trove of tales that have brought me joy, laughter, amazement and learning. A favourite is the story of a talented seamstress, who made the curtains at an Edinburgh five star hotel. They were set on fire by The Rolling Stones, a fledgling band at that time, keen to boost their bad boy image. Needless to say, there were no Stones songs played at that ceremony!
This wonderful role has taught me about music, poetry, history and culture and most importantly, about our human connections and the narrative of love we carry forward for those who have left us. Being a humanist funeral celebrant is hard work. It can be emotionally demanding and you only get one chance to get it right on the day. But it truly is an honour.
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